| Restart |
[Jun. 13th, 2005|04:17 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  SO FUCKING HAPPY! | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Is this the way to Amarillo | ] |
Hey all, i've decided to restart my livejournal. So in honor of this
auspicious occassion i have decided to include an updated version of
'The Man Code'. This version contains some new points that some of the
guys around here have decided are appropriate. Check it out:
THE CODE
1. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever! Unless you actually marry her.
2. When questioned by a friend's girlfriend, you need not and should
not provide any information as to his whereabouts. You are even
permitted to deny his very existence.
3. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 24 hours.
4. A best man's toast may not include any of the following phrases,
"one time in Montreal", "one time when we were all piss drunk", or "and
this girl had the biggest rack you ever saw".
5. You may exaggerate any anecdote told to your friends by 50% without
recrimination, beyond that anyone within earshot is allowed to yell out
"bullshit!". (exception: when trying to
pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration is 400%)
6. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
7. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another man is 5
minutes. The maximum is 6 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait
10 minutes for every point of hotness she
scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
8. Bitching about the brand of free beverages in your buddy's
refrigerator is forbidden. But gripe at will if the temperature is not
suitable.
9. A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own - grill, car,
firstborn child - within 12 hr notice. Women or anything considered
"lucky" are not applicable in this case.
10. Falling on a grenade for a buddy (agreeing to distract the skanky
friend of the hot babe he's trying to score) is your legal duty. But
should you get carried away with your good deed
and end up getting on the beast, your pal is forbidden to ever speak of it.
11. Do not torpedo single friends.
12. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
13. Before dating a buddy's ex you are required to ask his permission.
If he grants it, he is however allowed to say, "man, your gonna love
the way she licks your balls"
14. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as
spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to
pick a Buffalo wing clean.
15. If a mans zipper is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything!
16. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
man. (in fact, even remembering your best friends birthday is optional)
17. You must offer heartfelt condolences over the death of a
girlfriends cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and
threw it into a ceiling fan.
18. While your girlfriend must bond with your buddies girlfriends with
in 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with
her gal pal's boyfriends- low level sports
bonding is all the law requires.
19. Unless you have a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear in public wearing more than one Nike swoosh.
20. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may
always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask
who's playing.
21. If your girlfriend asks to set your friend up with her ugly, whiny,
loser friend of hers, you must grant permission, but only if you have
ample time to warn your friend to prepare his
excuse about joining the priesthood.
22. Only in a situation of mortal danger or ass peril are you permitted
to kick another member of the male species in the testicles.
23. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. This includes men who
aren't wearing shirts. If your buddy is outnumbered outmanned, or too
drunk to defend himself, you must jump into the fight. Exception: if
during the past 24 hours your friends actions have caused you to think
"what this guy needs is a good ass wuppin", in which case you may
refrain from getting
involved and stand back and enjoy.
24. Friends don’t let friends wear speedos. Ever. Case closed.
25. Fives must be called at all times when getting out of your seat. If
not, your seat is up for grabs. However, "house rules" may come into
effect, in which case it is left up to the owner
of the seat.
26. Shotgun can be called on anything where a shotgun applies., as long
as you are in eyesight of the object, or it is at a reasonable time.
27. When picking players for sports teams it is permissible to skip
over your buddy in favor of better athletes- as long as you don’t let
him be the last sorry son of a bitch standing on the
sideline.
28. If you ever compliment a guy's six pack, you better be talking about his choice of beverage.
29. Never join your girlfriend in ragging on a buddy of yours, unless she is withholding sex, pending your response.
30. Phrases that may never be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
"Yeah, baby, push it!"
"Come on, give me one more, harder!"
"Another set and we can hit the showers"
"Nice
ass! Are you a Sagittarius?"
31. Never hesitate to reach for the last beverage or pizza, but not both. That’s just mean.
32. Never talk to another man in the bathroom unless you are on equal
footing: both urinating, both waiting in line for all other situations
an "I recognize you" nod will do just fine.
33. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer
than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch nearby, hang
up if necessary.
34. You can not rat out a friend who show's up to work or class with a
massive hangover, however you may: hide the aspirin, smear his chair
with limburger cheese, turn the brightness
on his computer way up so he thinks its broken, or have him paged every seven minutes.
35. If you catch your girl messing around with your best friend, let your states crime of passion laws be your guide.
36. If your buddy is trying to hook up with a girl, you may sabotage
him only in a manor that gives you no chances of getting any either.
37. Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must
attempt one intervention. If he can get up on his feet, look you in the
eye, and deliver a "fuck off" then you are
absolved from all responsibility. Later on it is ok that you have no idea what his girlfriend is talking about.
38. The morning after you and a babe, who was formerly "just a friend",
go at it, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason
not to jump on her again before there is a
discussion about what a big mistake it was.
39. If a buddy has lint, an eyelash, or any other foreign object on his
hair or face, under no circumstances are you permitted to remove it.
However an appropriate hand gesture may be made to make him aware of
it.
40. An anniversary is recognized on a yearly basis, under no
circumstances will anything be celebrated in an interval other than a
year
41. When using a urinal in a public restroom, a buffer zone of at least
one urinal will exist at all times. If the only empty urinal is
directly next to an occupied on, then you are still required
to wait. (Exception: at a sporting event where a line has formed to use the pisser)
42. When coming to a room which you know is occupied by your friend and
possibly another girl, you must knock and wait for an adequate
response. If no response occurs, and the door is locked, a 10 minute
period is required before knocking again.
43. The only time dicking over a buddy for a girl is legal, is when the
girl ranks a 8 or above on the 1-10 scale. (exception: a girl may rank
from 5-7, as long as there is oral sex involved).
44. A mans gotta scratch what a mans gotta scratch. This applies to picking as well. Let the man be.
45. No man shall ever watch any of the following programs on TV:
Figure skating
Men's gymnastics
Any sport involving women (unless viewed for sexual purposes)
46. If you accidentally touch or brush against any part of another man
below the waist, it is an understood accident, and NO apologies or any
reference to the occurrence is necessary.
47. No man shall spend more than 2 minutes in front of a mirror. If
more time is required, a three minute waiting period must be allowed
before returning to the mirror.
48. Any dispute lasting any longer than 3 minutes will and must be
settled by rock, paper, scissors. There is no argument too important
for this determining method.
49. No man will ever willingly watch a movie in which the main theme is
dancing, and if a man shall happen to view such a movie it is only
acceptable if its with a girlfriend.
50. Only acceptable time when a man is allowed to cry:
when a heroic dog dies to save his master.
after being struck in the testicles with anything moving faster than 7 mph.
When your
date is using her teeth.
The day Anna Kornikova chooses a husband.
51. If a bet is made, and the challenge is completed, then the bettor
may recoup his money by immediately completing a more daring challenge.
If he refuses the challenge or chooses not
to propose one, then and only then, must the money be paid.
52. Masturbate often. (exception: if your roommate is due back within the hour)
53. If a hot girl shall happen to pass by while you are in an arms
reach of your buddy, you must, and will, tap him on the shoulder to
make him aware of the babe.
54. A man's shoes may not intentionally match any other article of clothing on his body.
55. No comment shall ever be made to a man about how much he is
sweating. In fact, there is no need bring notice to any body part which
he may be sweating from.
56. No man shall ever allow anyone to speak ill of The Simpsons or any Rocky movie. (Exception: Rocky V)
57. You have not made any mistake if you find that there are extra
pieces after reassembling or assembling an object. In fact, you have
just found a way to make that object more
efficient.
58. There is never an occasion in which any shirt without buttons may
be tucked in. (Exception: when you are participating in a organized
sporting event)
59. Unless you are under the age of 11 or wearing a bathing suit,,
DON’T wear whitey tighty's. It still escapes all reasoning as to why
they even make them in adult sizes.
60. Any object thrown with reasonable speed and accuracy, MUST be caught.
61. No man shall ever keep track of, or count, the amount of beers he has had in a night.
62. Under no circumstances may two non-related men share a bed or anything which can be perceived as a mattress.
63. In an empty room, car, ect., a man can not ask another man if he is mad because he isn’t talking.
64. If you jiggle more than twice, your playing with it.
65. A man shall never help another man apply sun tan oil.
66. The guy who wants something the most is responsible for getting it.
67. If your friend says "Lick my nuts" as a way to put you down, don't
try to be funny by saying "OK" and moving your head towards his crotch,
two homosexual references in a row
are just plain scary...
68. If you say ouch, you are a pussy!
69. It is the God given duty of every man to assist any other man that
may be in need of assistance in obtaining every guys dream (threesome
with two girls)
70. It is your duty as a heterosexual male to make your buddy aware of
any thong sightings in the immediate surroundings, it is even
permissable if the girl is butt ass ugly, hey nobody
wants to go down alone.
71. There are only three times when its acceptable for a man to say "I
love you" to any other man... 1. He's drunk 2. He's dying 3. He's in
trouble and it's the only way out of it (which
probably means he's drunk anyway)
72. At no time during a conversation with a buddy on instant messenger
is either man allowed to send smiley faces to the other. This is simply
too gay and it makes you look like a chick.
73. Under NO circumstances are two men allowed to ride together on one
motorcycle/moped. (Exception - your ass better be on the way to the
Hospital)
74. Never rent the movie "Chocolat" or "A Big Fat Greek Wedding" unless
you know in advance that you will be getting at least oral sex in
return from the chick you are renting it for. (
Sex is also required to happen)
75. If you are in the other room having monkey sex and you can be heard
over the loud television and through a closed door, then every guy in
the house is allowed to listen and laugh
and use it against the other guy for black mail, extortion, etc. in the future
76. What happens in Montreal, stays in Montreal. Period. No questions asked.
77. It is acceptable to share a bed with another guy if and only if, it
is a king-size bed and there are 2 blankets on the bed. The minute you
touch in the slightest way, you are officially
deemed a Homo.
78. If your buddy gets arrested and is going away to prison it is your duty to buy him soap on a rope.
79. It is perfectly acceptable to use a trashcan for a bong.
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NEW! NEW! NEW! NEW! NEW! NEW! NEW! NEW! NEW! NEW! NEW! NEW!
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80. If a gesture or action is taken which could be perceived as homosexual a man is required to call "No homo!"
81. No man shall ever wear pink, unless in the case that they are
either drunk or attempting to be comical. (NOTE: if being comical and a
look of "what the fuck?" appears on the face of a friend "No homo!"
must be called.
82. "Summer projects" are completely and totally 100% acceptable.
83. No man is to ever bitch about the temperature of the water he is in.
84. If a polo is to be worn, the collar can never be "popped" nor may the color of it contradict rule 81.
85. No man may be able to describe the color chartreuse. (NOTE: I had to use spell check to figure out how to even spell it).
* With every set of laws, there are appropriate punishments. If any man
shall happen to break any one of these codes, he will be found guilty,
and will, for 24 hours from the time of the violation, be considered
NOT A MAN. During this time he will not be referred to in any masculine
way, and he shall bear the name Princess. |
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